Crave Me Bare

Suddenly, I recognized the back of Tanner’s head. His beautiful hair caught my eye; the hair I missed running my fingers through so much. He was five rows in front of me on the other side of the church, but not alone. I didn’t know the woman with whom he was sitting. I just assumed it was his latest girlfriend.

I guess your dad won. You are back to pretending to be straight.

Seeing him there with this women was shredding my heart. My head dropped until my eyes stared at the floor. All I could think about was a song I had heard recently that seemed to describe my torment perfectly: "Dancing On My Own" by Calum Scott. 

The lyrics to that song thundered through my head over and over. I just wanted to curl up and die right on the spot. My heartbeat fluttered, skipping beats from the intense emotional pain shooting through me. I had an intense urge to get up and leave, but I couldn’t make my legs move.

I can’t leave. Even though it is from a distance, this might be the last time I ever see you.

Attendance was light. I was the only one in the pew until suddenly, right before the service started, Tanner showed up out of nowhere and sat down next to me.

We both looked deep into each other’s eyes, but neither of us said anything at first. I just swallowed hard in my feeble attempt to push down my emotions. After all, Tanner was a big reason for my being in the chapel that morning. Desperately, I tried to find an escape from the emotional pain of losing him as my lover. 

Neither of us said anything other than to sing along with the first hymn. I was experiencing an intense tug of war between happiness from him choosing to sit beside me that morning and the pain of realizing he would likely never lie beside me again. As the preacher read the scriptures, my mind screamed with the turmoil of how horrible it felt to lose Tanner’s love from my life with no expectation I could ever get it back.

I came here tortured and seeking solace. Now, as I sit just inches from the love I can never have, I feel as though the fires of hell now reside in my soul.

By the time the pastor completed the reading, I had my eyes closed as tears streaked down my cheeks rapidly. On either side of my knees, my hands gripped the edges of the pew so tightly my knuckles were white. As the sermon began, I suddenly felt Tanner’s hand come to rest on the back of mine. I don’t know why, but it caused my anxiety to ease considerably. At least, I relaxed enough to allow him to interlace our fingers with his hand on top of mine.

Oh God, there is the emotional lightning bolt surging between us again. No, I’m not aroused this time. I just feel an intense sensation of love flowing from me to you. Fearing a look into your eyes to see if you feel it, too, I knew I couldn’t endure the situation if I only saw the distance that now separates us. No, I can’t look.

Nevertheless, I turned and looked at him again with tears still streaming down my cheeks as the preacher continued to drone on in the background.

Tanner whispered, “I’m so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”

I just continued to stare into his eyes without saying a word.

“I would give anything to find a way for us to be part of each other’s lives without destroying what’s left of my life now. I love you, Ty,” He whispered.

I stared into his eyes for another minute, then looked down at his hand on top of mine. I let go of the pew and rotated my hand, so I was holding his hand palm to palm.

“I love you, too. I miss you more than I can explain. Tanner, I love you. I love you beyond measure.” I whispered.

Tanner looked down at his feet, and my tears flowed even faster because I knew there was no way to fix us. As the end of the service neared, Tanner raised our clasped hands high enough so he could kiss the back of my hand, then he put my hand back down on the pew alone and stared into my eyes with tears running down his face as well.

“I don’t know how to fix my world, but I will always, always love you.” He rubbed the back of my hand again, then Tanner got up and exited the church.

The service was over before I could get my emotions under control. Suddenly, the preacher sat down next to me. We were the only ones left in the chapel.

“Are you ok, son?”

“No, pastor.”

…